real (allegedly) funny air traffic controllers and pilots conversations
These funny conversations allegedly took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery. There is always room for well placed humour and/or firmness in organizational communications, but when misplaced, effective inter-group working can be undermined, especially when a little misogyny, xenophobia or arrogance is thrown into the mix. These communications examples provide a wealth of material also for for students of transactional analysis and effective rapport-building. If you know the original source of any of the unattributed amusing air traffic control discussions and pilot conversations, or you have others to contribute, please contact us. The authenticity of these alleged conversations cannot be guaranteed.
You might also enjoy the legendary funny letters to the council quotes.
A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
aircraft maintenance engineers 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' comments
These aircraft maintenance comments are allegedly from 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' which enable/enabled pilots to report aircraft technical problems and responses from maintenance engineers. Various origins are suggested by the many different interpretations of these items, most popularly Qantas and the US Air Force, although it's highly unlikely that all these comments are from a single original source, especially given the mixture of technology featured, and that some are probably military and others not. This is not an attempt to present a factually reliable or accurate listing of these items, if one ever existed at all - it's just a list of the funniest examples. If you know the true origins of any of these please let me know.
These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.
| Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. | Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer |
| Something loose in cockpit. | Something tightened in cockpit. |
| Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. | Almost replaced left-inside main tyre. |
| Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. | Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs. |
| Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. | Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar. |
| Mouse in cockpit. | Cat installed. |
| Target radar hums. | Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. |
| Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] | Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search. |
| Pilot's clock inoperative. | Wound clock. |
| Aircraft handles funny. | Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious. |
| Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. | Pilot removed from aircraft. |
| Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. | Took hammer away from midget. |
| Suspected crack in windshield. | Suspect you are right. |
| IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] | IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode. |
| Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. | Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft. |
| No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] | Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle. |
| Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. | Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn! |
| Dead bugs on windshield. | Live bugs on back order. |
| Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. | Cannot reproduce problem on ground. |
| Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. | Evidence removed. |
| Three roaches in cabin. | One roach killed, one wounded, one got away. |
| DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?] | DME volume set to more believable level. |
| No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. | No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. |
| Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. | That's what they are for. |
And to give credit where it's due!
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